q4k: I don’t like my friend’s boyfriend

Kaden,

My friend recently started dating a new guy but I’m not a fan. He’s just not a good fit for her. Do I say something?

– a worried friend

Hi! This is such a tricky question. I suppose the answer might come from asking you a few questions. Why do you think he isn’t a good fit for your friend? Is he holding her back in any way? Is he a threat to her safety? Or… is he just annoying?

If you don’t like him because he poses any sort of threat to her physical safety, that is a different conversation and I urge you to seek help from others.

If you don’t like him because you think he isn’t a good fit, I think you have a few options. First, you need to evaluate why you think he isn’t a good fit. Do you think his values don’t line up with your friend’s values? Does he not make time or respect her? Are there obvious red flags?

Think about it and whatever reason(s) you think he isn’t a good fit, share those with your friend. This doesn’t have to be an intervention. Simply mention it in conversation. This next part is crucial though… pay attention to how she reacts. If she agrees but is hesitant to leave then talk that through with her. BUT if she has blinders and is not bothered by your concerns, then all you can do is mention it and let it go. If she knows how you feel and chooses to stay with him, that is on her. Anything more would just be annoying on your end.

And then there is the third scenario. Maybe he is a good fit for her but you just find him annoying. He gives you the ick. Maybe he has a weird voice or takes a lot of mirror selfies or is a messy eater. Whatever it is about him that just isn’t it is not actually holding her back in any way. In this case, I think it is best to just let your friend figure it out. You might joke about these weird things he does if you and your friend are close enough, but if he has similar values and is challenging your friend to be a better person in all the right ways, then maybe his mirror selfies aren’t so bad.

At the end of the day, there are so many variables for this situation. It is up to you to determine the best route to take though. As long as your friend’s safety isn’t at risk, then I think there is a fine line between letting her know what you think and not being supportive. As a friend, you should be able to communicate your thoughts and worries but also allow your friend room to make decisions.

best of luck! KP

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